Saturday, February 18, 2017

Piece of Reminiscence

Hi. I always come back here everytime things got harder in life. I wonder why, talking to myself like this is more comfortable than sharing with others. I used to share everything, and I still do even now to the closest one. But now, I think everything just got harder and harder. Managing my own mood and my professionality is somehow so hard. My mood swing is getting worse day by day and maybe if my principal finds out this she might send me to the nearest hospital and tell me to consult to the psychiatrist. lmao. I don't have any motivation in life and I hate waking up in the morning and sleeping at night. Can you even imagine that?

I am still wondering, things got harder for me because I made it myself. I am a selfish-jerk and everyone seem get tired of me too easily. I tried so hard to maintain relationship with everyone but I end up walking away by my ownself and this introvert side of me was totally disturbing. ugh. I am so tired of being this kind of creature.

I've gone crazy much recently and I think I should not do that in the first place. I know everything is not work already eventhough I cried so hard about this but I still insist to do that. The result is pretty much hurting and I think I was careful enough not being hurt anymore. sigh. I always tell my self that being in love is painful and too troublesome. But I always fall into one. You see, got your heart broken for multiple times is not really good, I should not be in love.


Saturday, January 28, 2017


Basically, gue sering menulis dengan bahasa yang dicampur-campur. If you look for English only or Indonesian only, unfortunately you will never find it here lol. pada dasarnya gue orangnya emang random parah.

Sebulan ini, rasanya gak ada keadaan upnya. Kayak, sehari aja gitu bahagia... rasanya kayak ingin marah terus, kesel terus, curigaan sama orang. Sindrom 'I hate human' mendadak kambuh dan gue gak ngerti kenapa. Mungkin ini kemarahan yg gue simpen-simpen terus tentang oranglain jadi ujungnya kesel sama hampir semua hal. Hm, mungkin ini sindrom penuaan juga. Gak gitu lah ya. Kadang gue mikir kalo seandainya gue lebih bersyukur, mungkin gak bakalan banyak kesel sama orang. Tapi, dipikir-pikir lagi, gue gak bersyukurnya di bagian apa ya? Gaji gue segitu aja, kalo harus liat ke bawah di mana temen-temen gue gajinya rendah misalnya, ya itu bukan tolak ukur bersyukur sih idk lmao soal gaji sih ya kita pinter-pinternya cari kerjaan aja /jahat . Soal keinginan untuk jadi double di tahun ini? Aaahh...

Ya, single terus udah berapa taun ternyata juga mulai kerasa jenuhnya. Gue udah cukup nikmatin idup single gue, jadi kayak kalo jadi double gimana rasanya yaaa... hm ya gue pernah pacaran beberapa kali, putus nyambung sama cowo (ya masa sama cewe) terus setiap kali putus gue semacam 'ah g mau pacaran lagi...'
Yang terakhir malah gue bilangnya pengen langsung nikah aja. Tapi, menikah itu bukan kayak bikin mie goreng samyang di mana lo tinggal didihin aer, masukin mie, mateng lo angkat mienya terus campur ama bumbunya. Kalo cowonya gak ada ya masa iya gue mau nikah? Tidak mungkin gue nikah dengan laptop gue kan dan terus punya anak tp anaknya di print...gak itu horor banget.

Umur gue pas maret nanti udah g bisa dibilang dewasa muda lagi. Tapi mereka udah anggepnya gue dewasa. Tapi jauh banget gue dari dewasa itu. Bangun tidur gue belom sesigap adek gue yg langsung nyentuh pekerjaan rumah dan siap2 berangkat kerja, gue jg masih egois kalo coklat yg gue taro di kulkas dimakan sama bokap gue, ato simplenya, gue masih gak bisa dibilangin, kayak anak SMP aja. Mungkin keinginan gue masih on hold karena guenya masih kayak gini ya? Ya tapi at least, temuin dulu sama cowonya deh biar gak hollow kayak gini 😢

Kan lo ada feeling sama yang itu lha?

Hm, gue capek. Gue aja bingung kenapa gue capek padahal gue gak lari-lari. Tapi gue capek. Kalo berkali-kali selalu gak nyampe feelingnya dan sama sekali gak dilirik kok gue bego banget masih mau bertahan punya feeling sendirian? Orang disebut bijaksana itu waktu tau kapan nyerahnya. Gue seharusnya udahin aja ngarep bisa diliriknya dan sukanya. Udah kelamaan, hampir 3 taun tapi masih gini aja artinya ya gue g punya harapan. Lagi-lagi sukanya sama oranglain, ya gue sadar diri sih gue ini apaan. Mungkin emang cuma bubuk cabe...

First thing gue emang nggak good-looking. Gue tau banget kalo cowo pandangan pertama pasti looks duluan. Ya apalah gue cuma seonggok bubuk cabe.
Secondly, gue juga gak menarik as in personality. Banyak yg sifatnya kayak gue di dunia ini. Terlebih mood swing gue udah severe banget. Siapa yg mau deket-deket coba? Yang masih deket-deket itu either udah tau gue gimana, ato maso parah.
Gue juga.... gak punya pesona 'cewe', yg ada malah 'cowo'... kebanyakan ujungnya anggep gue cuma bestie. Ya apalah gue ini, hanya tipikal sahabat yg mendengar keluh kesah sahabatnya, termasuk soal kisah cintanya. Perih banget.

Jadi, apakah taun ini gue juga masih tetap akan single? Hiks.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Suddenly it's 2017!!

Uhm, so, hello! I am trying to be active on writing again since too many trash on my mind and sometimes it made me fed up. The best resolution is going back to this blog and write every trashes on my mind and it becomes something at least laughable in the future. LOL

Happy new year. I actually always post something in the first month of the year but end up not writing anything until the end of the year lol I need to control my forgetful and swings habit to make myself at least useful. lmao. Suddenly the year turned into 2017 and here  I am, still being a potato. why am I potato? lmao

Feeling sad over everything is becoming my habit nowadays and somehow I enjoy the feeling HAHAH not that I am a masochist, but sometimes, it is easier that way. I was always bad at expressing my feelings so becoming sad for no reason is my habit to relieve my stress even though only a bit. I think maybe I got too anxious facing this year. maaaan, it's my limit of the year. Limit on deciding which workplace I enjoy with, or will I get married? hahahaha

Seriously though, I am not young anymore. Well, my body and voice might still as young as teenage out there, but my age number is increasing year by year. I kind of anxious I would end up alone for the rest of my life. The community which I am in now are full with youngsters and can you imagine how great my anxiety for knowing that fact? huhu. It's hard. In the other side, I think age is only number. But in the other side again, I don't think I can careless about this fact since time passed way too fast and getting older is only a matter of time. It's too obvious. I am sad. will I remain the same? or something surprising might happen in the future and I should stop predicting anything? uh I don't know anymore. I think, becoming forever young is good but the fact is, it is not. Especially if you start having interest over younger. AHHAHA do I have a time to do so? is age really only a matter of number so I shouldn't worry about that? once again, will I end up alone for the rest of my life???? uhuhuuhhu

uhm, I don't think it is a right thing to have an interest towards a boy since his future is not yet to be seen and the age gap is too wide, it's like I am having a cruh on baby. lmao. but, listening to his voice and having a notification from him even though just a reply of my chat, I feel extremely happy. Maybe I am just excited since I got too many unrequited and the feeling of getting to know someone new is so big. But, his active mind and theories never stop amusing me. Listening to his thought and his advice are becoming my habit too. He actually tends to be sooo tense about his life, and his confidence is below average. But the way he thinks is totally unique and I found it...lovely. I am weird. hahaha

well, happy new year and have a nice day!!

Monday, October 31, 2016

If only...

I never understand my own feeling towards everything anymore. Since when I've become so numb?
I actually was feeling it with me all this time and it was quite disturbing since I couldn't obtain it at all. The heart I want to get, why is it so far? I keep trying and I didn't stay still but why I feel it's totally unreachable?
I got this complicated feelings to be honest. I want to be with someone but in the other hand I want to be alone. I want someone to take care of me, telling me to stop when I start recklessly overworking, smile for me, fighting for me... but in the other hand, I hate if they become too close with me. I keep telling myself that I am fine with this, I don't need that. Something like that isn't fit me at all but some other times I feel lonely. I want to be loved. I hate to love by my own self.

If only, having someone love me unconditionally is easy. If only, I don't need to deal with this kind of reality. Maybe, maybe I would feel better about this world.
If only, it's easy to make someone you like, like you back. It was easy before, but no for now. It seems that happiness is drifting away from me and I don't deserve to feel happy like others.

I dedicate myself a lot to others when I was younger
I was thinking that everyone is meant to be happy.
Then how about me?
What will make me happy?

I am tired. Seriously tired. God, if this is your answer, then I will stop begging you to make him love me back. It's enough.