Tuesday, February 15, 2011


so.. I'm afraid.. being alone.. being hated.. being left.. I'm afraid.. someday I'll feel that fear again..
I'm afraid.. if someday the one I trust, being the one I hate.. I'm afraid of losing my own self.. I always talk to myself.. I'm not alone.. they always be there for me.. they won't hurt me.. but still.. I'm afraid.. if the real is .. I'm alone. no one.. no one there when I need them.. no one hear my scream.. even if I screamed, there's no one reach my hand.. I'm afraid.. I'm too afraid of being myself..

I don't have any place to let off my pain.. I'm afraid they won't be there when I need.. I just.. I just too weak to accept all. I'm a chicken. I just try to show them my fake smile, actually I'm afraid being hated.. I'm afraid being alone if I show my own self.. I'm afraid they'll avoid me.. if I start to sighing.. I've no place.. no place to run.. even if I'm running, I'll find the great wall.. the great wall that I won't ever crash it... the great wall that tell me I've no one.. someday they'll leave me alone.. alone in my dark room.. with my PC.. with myself..

and the reality start to fear me again with they fuck fact.. I don't have any place to run.. I believe in them.. always.. but still I'm afraid.. I don't have any place to throw this damn.. even if sometime they told me that I have them..but still.. still I have to finish my problem by myself.. so, where were they going? I need them.. in this situation but I have no brave to tell them that I need them.. I need someone to hear me..

don't ask me why.. don't tell me why.. because I don't want to tell the answer.. I don't want to hear the answer.. because I just want to be calm.. but no one calm me down.. please.. someone.. someone.. hear my pain.. I need you.. so that I won't be afraid anymore.. I won't feel this afraid anymore.. tell me that I'm not alone.. tell me.. tell me that I don't need to be afraid.. tell me that no one hate me.. no one avoid me .. because I'm afraid..

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

kareshi.. ka?

well.. I've got confused recently about this title.. kareshi? how can be someone love the other? because.. if I had to choose, I won't ever want to falling in love, at least not now... the one I care right now is just my beloved friend, so why I have to confused about something called love??

he comes, after a damn long time.. after I choose to be alone.. why it was so sudden? is there any reason? and he tell me that he loves me.. what a funny!! hell.. you were dissapear for two years and now you said that you love me? don't be kidding me! >_< and the stupid one is not him, but me.. why I accepted his feeling? dumbass!! DX i even don't feeling anything for him but why I accepted his feeling? and now.. when there's no confirmation from him, i started to threat again.. why someone should have the feeling called 'love' ?

speaking of which, I never thought this before but... really, I really in love with Shitara Seiji from TMGS 3.. hell this is disaster!! since I prefer choose the boy from 2D than the boy from real life.. T_T there's something false about this, but no doubt.. I'm still loving seiji than him..

GIMME SEIJI!!! I WANT SEIJI!! huwaaaaaaaaaaaaa~~ XD