In life, we have ever faced some basic questions.
"Am I happy?"
"Do I need to think about this?"
"Am I cruel?"
"Is everyone happy?"
"Is today becoming my day?"
It kept on repeating everyday. Gaining and building up anxiety to anyone who question their life everyday... like me. I have this question in me, everytime I had fun.
"Do I leave people? Or people leave me?"
Each time I had this question, my mind was wandering back to the time where some people kept asking me the reason why did I do this, why did I do that, why did I say this, why did I say that... I end up being traumatized. I am looking for someone who didn't ask me...why. I look for a companion who understand that I need space and small capacity to socialized and understand that sometime I distant myself not because I hate them, but because I need to refill my energy.
People said it was selfish. I simply leave people when they need me the most. Ironically, they've never asked me how is my life going. (Laughed) but still, they said it was selfish, and I am a jerk.
Now, I am thinking of the way to reduce my stress and the source of my sadness and anxiety. Without realized I was also sweeping away the people close to me. Another new question popped up on my head,
"Do they feel left out? Or even angrier because of that?"
"Am I cruel?"
And I have another deep realization again. I want to tell them to stop controlling my way to be happy, but it is also wrong. They will ask me again, "So, you aren't happy with me?"
And I start feeling afraid again to choose anything and choose to make everyone happy again without considering my own. I am happy to be with everyone I close to. The friends who have been being with me for more than 10 years, the friends who have been putting up with me for more than five years, the friends I just knew these two years... everyone are important. Sadly, I have only one body to please everyone and once again, I am looking for someone who didn't ask me why, who understand that I am splitting my time to spend with everyone so no one feel left out.
But, well... wish is only wish. It doesn't go well with anyone.
I end up hurt everyone close to me. I end up feeling afraid of expressing anything again.
The questions repeated everyday, and it builded up my anxiety more and more.